Oh, Little Child
by Amber1
Summary: Scully learns of Mulder's possession of a vial of her ova, and she deals with the emotions which follow.


 
    
     Author: Amber Email Feedback to: mulders_girl42@hotmail.com Title: Oh, Little Child Rating: PG Author's Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/mulderz_girl Archive: Anywhere, so long as you let me know :) Spoilers: Major spoilers for "Memento Mori" and "Christmas Carol/Emily" and if you wanna get nit-picky ;) there is a tiny bit of dialogue from "Home" and "The Rain King". Summary: Scully learns of Mulder's possession of a vial of her ova and she deals with the emotions which follow... Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story belong to me. I am not making profit from them and I mean no harm. They are still in the hands of the almighty Chris Carter. No copyright infringement is intended. ***************************************************************** Mulder watched Scully as she walked through the park by his side. Sure, she was beside him ... but her mind was elsewhere. He noticed that he had been carrying the conversation for the past fifteen minutes. "Scully?" he asked. She turned to face him, a glazed look in her eyes. She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. "Yeah, Mulder?" "Are you okay? You've been kind of quiet." She shrugged off his concern. "I'm fine... I'm, uh ... just taking in our surroundings." "For any particular reason?" Mulder responded. She sighed deeply and looked at him. Then she blinked, drew in her mouth and shook her head slowly. "No." She didn't offer any response other than that. She turned her head and continued walking at her slow, steady pace. Mulder continued looking at her. It was difficult to determine her emotions through her profile. He sighed. On Mulder's other side was a playground. A set of mothers played in the park with their children. One pushed her son on a swingset, while the other tended to her daughter's scraped knee with a strategically placed bandaid and a comforting hug. Scully turned in Mulder's direction, but looked past him to the playground. She smiled. Almost a reluctant smile. A reminiscent smile. Mulder turned in the direction in which Scully was looking. He suddenly realized why Scully was behaving this way. She missed Emily. It wasn't until recently that Mulder began to view Scully as a mother. It wasn't until recently that this side of her had shown through her sometimes cold exterior. She wasn't a cold person. It was her barrier. It prevented her from being hurt. This is why she was afraid. Afraid to love. She was simply afraid to hold a bond for fear it would be broken. She wasn't like that anymore. Having this child suddenly thrust into her life had changed her. A child she didn't even know existed. She wanted to care for this child she had found. Her own daughter. Unfortunately, for Dana Scully, This was a bond that would break. The same people who created this child - the people who brought this child into the world as an experiment with no intent of loving her - were the people that took her away. Hers was a fate not meant to be. She could not survive the experiment which her life was based upon. She could not survive herself. Fox Mulder stood by his distraught partner during this time, watching her trials and tribulations, her feverish attempts to save this child as a medical doctor, and her best attempts to bestow love upon this child.Dana Scully, forced into this situation tried her best to be the mother Emily needed. She was never able to accomplish this task. By no fault of her own, little Emily was taken from her life nearly as briskly as she arrived into it. Scully looked up from the mothers at the park. She focused her gaze on Mulder, the same reminiscent smile on her face. Mulder looked back at her and returned the smile. Do you know? Scully's eyes begged the question of Mulder. He nodded slightly, and placed his arm around Scully, squeezing her opposite shoulder. Still looking at Mulder, she nodded too. She knew he understood. She sighed. This time it was a contented sigh of relief. She was pleased that Mulder understood. She was at ease and comfort with him beside her. They had this complete, unique understanding ofeach other, without even having to say a word. They continued walking, Mulder's arm still around Scully's shoulders. Mulder knew that Emily had played a huge part in Scully's life. Her brief appearance had shaped Scully's personality slightly, instilling in her a mother's intinct, which, Mulder knew was always buried deep inside her. It was just that the times he saw it emerge were so few before Emily came into Scully's life. This little girl had further opened up Scully as a person. She taught Scully about maternal love. This girl never knew that Scully was her biological mother. She probably never realized how important a role she played in Scully's life, but Mulder knew. He had seen his partner open up as a person. She had opened up to Mulder during the course of their time together, but had emerged as a person substantially following Emily's time in her life. Scully had let her walls down. She was less afraid to cry, less afraid to reveal her emotions to Mulder, and, he thought, less afraid to love. Scully looked up at Mulder. She knew what he was thinking. She knew that he had seen a significant change in her since Emily's arrival and subsequent departure. What Scully didn't think Mulder knew, however, was how much she wanted a child, how much she wished to be a mother, and how much love she had left to give. She didn't realize how much she wanted this one thing until it was taken from her. She didn't realize how much she wanted to be a mother until she discovered that it was no longer possible. She likened this to a child who shows no interest in an object until it is in the hands of his sibling. Then he wants it. She smiled at the thought. She wanted a child so much. She wished to love one so much that it hurt. Under her breath she silently cursed these medical experiments conducted on her against her free will. She cursed this medical rape which had left her sterile, unable to bear children of her own. A woman passed by pushing a toddler in a stroller. Scully suddenly felt inferior to this woman. She felt foolishly inadequate. She felt a part of her was missing. Tears stung her eyes. She blinked and turned her head. Mulder, sensing that she wanted her space, released his grip on her shoulder. Without turning to face Mulder, Scully motioned to a nearby bench and quietly mumbled "I'm going to sit down." Mulder nodded in agreement at the back of her head. "Okay, Scully." he replied with as much sincerity as he could muster. Mulder turned his back and stood motionless for a split second. He did not attempt to join Scully on the bench. She needed her time alone. He drew in a sharp breath as he remembered something he hadn't yet told Scully. Something of great importance. He felt extremely guilty about not yet revealing this to her, but there was never a right time to bring it up. He had a vial of Scully's ova in his possession. He had found them in the factory which was performing these horrific genetic experiments. When he thought back on it, it seemed like a morbid thing to do. He grasped the vial out of instinct. He was trying to save a piece of what was taken from Scully. Then he panicked. He left them in the possession of the computer hacking yet highly-intellegent-in-every-aspect-of-the-word "Lone Gunmen". The trio of conspiracy theorists were his close friends and also happened to have a cryogenetic freezer in the back of their "labratory". Mulder figured this way they could be kept safe without Scully's knowledge. Yet, it ached him to know that these ova existed, unbeknownst to her. He saw the pain in Scully's eyes about the loss of her child, and her disappointment, her restrained despair, after learning she was not able to bear another. He turned his head slightly to look towards the bench on which Scully was seated. Her arms were crossed over her lap and she stared straight ahead with an eerily stoic look on her face. She looked up, catching Mulder's glance, and stuttered "I'm going to back to the office." "Do you want me to come with you?" Mulder responded. "No, I'd rather be alone if that's all right." He nodded. He had heard that line before. It broke his heart to see her like this. He had to tell her. He wasn't sure how much of a difference it would make, but he would tell her. Soon. ***** ****** ****** Mulder glanced over at his clock. It was two in the morning. He had been trying to get to sleep but he couldn't get comfortable - physically or mentally. He kept thinking back to Scully's state this afternoon. She was emotionless outwordly, only her eyes could not conceal the sorrow within her. Mulder rose to his feet and paced over to the phone. He lifted the receiver and dialed. It wasn't necessary for him to switch on a light to view the numbers - he knew the exact location of each in Scully's telephone number. The phone rang beside Scully. She was wide awake, but did not answer it immediately. She did not hear it through the thick mess of troubling thoughts which clouded her mind. It was not until the fourth or so ring that it resonated through her thoughts. She slowly reached over and lifted the receiver. "Hello?" she breathed into the phone. "Hi, Scully? It's Mulder. I know it's late ... but I really need to talk to you." Scully rubbed her eyes. She swallowed and asked "What's it about, Mulder?" "It's just something I think I should tell you in person. Can I meet you there?" Scully looked around her apartment. "Yeah... I guess so Mulder..." "Okay, good. I'll be there soon." He placed the receiver back onto the stand and hurriedly exited his apartment. ***** ***** ***** Scully waited, seated in a chair in her darkened apartment. She was not anxious about what Mulder had to say. She did not anticipate a single word which would soon be emitted from his mouth. On the phone, the tone of his voice led her to believe that what he was about to relay to her was imporatant. He sounded... different. It was almost as if there was a hint of desparation to his voice. Scully knew she should be anxious. She knew that she should be feverish with anticipation... but she was not in the mood to give it a second thought. Whatever Mulder had to tell her, she would deal with it when it came. She knew Mulder too well than to will herself into shock over something he was about to say. She lifted her head and glanced instinctively at the entrance of her apartment split seconds before she heard three dull thuds coming from the other side. She placed her feet on the floor and walked over to the door. Without bothering to look through the peephole, she opened it to reveal a somewhat distraught-looking Mulder. She motioned for him to come in, and closed the door behind him. In her apathy, she had accidentally neglected to change. She was still clad in her silk night clothes, and suddenly felt the tiniest bit self-conscious. Mulder didn't seem to notice. He strided to the centre of her apartment, and began to pace near her coffee table. Scully managed to snap out of her lethargic stupor. "Mulder, what is it?" Her words expressed concern. He stopped in his tracks and looked down into her eyes. "Scully, there's something I need to tell you... something I should have already told you..." Scully could feel her stomach twist, but her face remained indifferent. She was clever at hiding her emotions through facial expressions. "What is it, Mulder?" she asked. Mulder formed his words slowly. "Scully, do you remember when you first learned of your cancer?" He did not allow for a response before continuing. "While you were first in the hospital, the boys helped me enter the Lombard Research Facility. Scully, experiments were being conducted there... There were cloning operations..." He trailed off, and took a seat on her couch. "Mulder?" He looked up at her. He continued, his voice breaking. "They had your extracted ova kept in... in drawers, in metal cryogenic chambers. They had everyone's. Everyone who was abducted. They had them all." Her eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. "Mulder, why didn't you tell me?" He held up an index finger, cutting any further interjections short. "I... I pocketed a vial. I know I should have told you sooner... but there was never the right time. I couldn't just leave them there, knowing... knowing they were yours." His eyes deepended with sincerity, visible even through the limited amount of lighting in the room. Scully stiffened in shock for a brief moment. Trying to wrap her already crowded mind around these fresh details, she stuttered "Wh..where are they?" Mulder dropped his gaze to the floor. "The Lone Gunmen have them. They're keeping them safe in a freezer chamber in the back of the lab." Scully, from her standing position, gazed at the top of Mulder's head. Barely audibly, she said "Go home, Mulder." Mulder looked up at her. Shame and guilt clouded his eyes. "Scully, I'm... I'm..." It was her turn to interrupt him. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she made no effort to conceal them as they spilled over her cheeks. Shespoke slowly, and her voice waivered. "Mulder, I need to be alone. I need to think. I need my rest..." Mulder rose to his feet. With a brief glance back at Scully, he walked out of her apartment. After the door closed behind him, Scully sank to her knees. Sobs wrenched her small frame. ****** ****** ****** Mulder wandered the streets aimlessly. He knew it was probably not a wise thing to be doing in the wee hours of the morning, but he needed a walk to clear his head. So far it wasn't working. A million questions raced through his head at once. He attemped to concentrate on the methodic tone of his footsteps on the pavement. Thud. _What have I done?_ Thud. _Why was Scully so upset?_ Thud. _Will she be okay?_ Thud. _Is she going to forgive me?_ Nothing was working. His mind was host to an interrogation room -- and he was the suspect in question. ***** ****** ***** "Assitant Director Skinner's office. How may I direct your call?" "Could I speak to A.D. Skinner please?" "I'm sorry, The Assitant Director is in a meeting at the moment, may I take a message?" "Yes, please. Can you tell him Special Agent Dana Scully will not be reporting in today?" "Sure. Reason for absence?" "Illness. Stomach Flu." "All right, then. Hope you fell better soon, Agent Scully." "Thanks. Bye." "Bye now." The phone clicked in Scully's ear. She placed it back on the hook and almost instantaneously raised it back to her ear. She input Mulder's home phone number. It rang twice before the answering machine picked up. "Hi, this is Fox Mulder. I'm not home right now, leave a message." Scully, assuming Mulder had already left for work, recorded a message. "Mulder, it's me. If you get this, please call me. I'm at home." Scully hung up the phone and hoped that she hadn't hurt him by forcing him to leave her apartment earlier that day. She had had some time to think about what he told her, and she really needed to discuss the situation with him. She picked up the phone for a third time and dialed in the number of Mulder's cell phone. If he was at work, he would probably have it turned on. The phone rang in Mulder's jacket pocket. He took it out and answered it with an effortless "Yeah?" The sound of Scully's voice came through the receiver. "Mulder, are you at work?" He sighed. "No, actually. I'm not far from your apartment." "How far?" "Right outside the building." "Mulder, have you been there all night?" He waited a beat before responding. "Sort of." "Well, can you come up? I need to talk to you." "Yeah. I'll be up in a second." Scully hung up the phone and walked over to the door, anticipating Mulder's arrival. When he showed up at the door, restained and solemn-faced, she wished nothing more than to embrace him, let him know that it was okay, that she wasn't upset with him. In contrast, she didn't feel that this was in her character, so she managed with a diluted smile and requested that he come in. She started with small talk, asking him "Did you let Skinner know that you weren't coming in today?" He responded with a shake of his head. "No." Scully was a little surprised. "So, you're just not going to show up?" She added with a slight chuckle "They'll have your ass for that tomorrow." He didn't offer any witty retort. He entered the apartment, taking a seat on Scully's sofa. She paced over and took a seat next to him. She looked over at him, but he did not return the glance. She continued anyway. "Thank you." she said. It had been a very long time since she voiced those words and truly meant them. He gazed up at her, a look of utter confusion passing over his face. "Why?" he managed to stammer. She swallowed. "Thank you for giving me hope. After Emily passed away, I experienced absolute sorrow. My sorrow was not just over the loss of this child, but in being aware of the fact that I would never have the opportunity to bear a child of my own. I was saddened as I would never have the opportunity to hold, to love and to care for a child which I brought into this world. When you first came here and admitted to me that you had a vial in your possession, I was upset. I was upset because you have known that this whole time and decided not to let me know. I instantly blamed you for the sorrow I have experienced the past couple of years." She took in a breath and continued, saying "However, I now know that you are not to blame. I am not upset anymore. I understand why you couldn't tell me. It isn't an easy topic to bring forth. Also, I have more insight into a probable reason why you did not tell me. Perhaps, you did not realize how much I wanted a child. I have tried not to let it show. Only yesterday afternoon did my true feelings escape my exterior. I think that is why you finally told me. In conclusion, thank you for giving me hope. I now know it is possible for me to bear children of my own. I can have the opportunity to hold, to love, and to care for a child which I brought into this world. I want that opportunity, Mulder. I want a child. I don't know if you can understand this..." Scully trailed off as Mulder picked up the conversation. "Scully, I do understand. I now realize how much you do wish for a child." He clasped her hand. "As well as there no doubt in mind you would make a greatmother." She looked up at him, and they both smiled. Scully quickly looked away, and sighed. Barely above a whisper, she said "Yeah, but I need a great father." She knew that she wasn't getting any younger. She realized that, inevitably, the probability of her bearing a child of her own was declining. She also had no doubt in her mind of whom she wished for the father to be. This man beside her was her everything. He had been with her through all the trying times in her life, never once leaving her side. There was not another single person she could ever imagine herself with. She knew in her heart that Mulder would be a great father. However, again she didnot feel that it would be in her character to tell him so, so she remained silent, her head turned from him. She was slightly startled when he reached over, grasping her face in his hand, gently turning it to face him. His voice broke as he spoke slowly, looking her directly in the eye. "I can be that father." Scully was speechless as a surge of emotions flowed through her. She reached out her arms and pulled him into an embrace. Tears spilled from her eyes. A warmth emanated from deep within her. She would bear a child of her own. She would share a child with the man she loved. Her soulmate. She suddenly remembered a poem she had written after Emily's death in anticipation of a child she never expected to hold. She recited the words in her mind as her tears continued to flow. _Oh, little child In my arms Like an untouched piece of artist's clay The picture of innocence Yet uncorrupted by today's society Oh, little child What does the future hold? I wish so much for you Oh, little child In my arms_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*******ThE eNd*******~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
      
      


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